Today is April 1st, every corny marketers favorite holiday. And this April Fools’ Day is full of eye-rolling ideas that sometimes make us chuckle, but mostly make us groan. Here’s a roundup of some of the notable products we won’t be seeing on shelves anytime soon.
Chapstick
Dry lips? Missing your daily dose of vegetables? Combine both tasks with the new Broccoli Chapstick flavor. It’s not quite green juice, but maybe it will get the job done.
Bocce’s Bakery
If you ever wanted to bedazzle your cat’s poop, you’re in luck. Bocce’s Bakery Razzle Dazzle recipe — a blend of lamb and glitter — is sure to bring a little sparkle to your litter box. As an added bonus, it glows in the dark so you’ll know if your kitten did the deed even if you’re bleary-eyed.
Okay, joking about developing an edit button is just plain cruel.
Banza
Forget the chickpea pasta, pizza, mac and cheese, and rice: Let’s skip to the sauce. Banza is releasing “Just the Sauce” packets, which are chock-full of flavor and extra chickpea protein. Instead of having to buy the whole box to get the good stuff, you can squirt the goopy goodness on any product you want. I mean, mac and cheese sauce without the mac? We don’t hate it.
Busch Beer
Busch Beer is releasing a limited edition Pee-In-A-Busch kit to class up your outdoor pop-a-squat or pee-on-a-tree experience. Each set comes with a reusable funnel so you can relieve yourself discreetly in the can you just consumed. All jokes aside, 100 percent of the profits from the set will be donated to One Tree Planted, a global organization focused on reforestation. And while the idea itself may be a bit of potty humor, the company is hoping it shines a light on the need to protect our trees and environment.
Amazon Alexa
Imagine that scent of fresh-baked brownies — on demand. Alexa’s newest skill involves smell technology that emits delicious olfactory sensations, minus the mess and cleanup. Side effects include the disappointment
Magic Spoon
Move over sporks! We never liked you anyway. Introducing the stroon, the spoon-straw combo you never thought you needed. Picture this: you scoop your cereal. All that remains is the sweet milky goodness at the bottom. You drink your milk remnants. You drink it up.
Synology
Synology is bringing back the floppy disk, not that you ever asked for it. With 5.75MB of total storage capacity and transfer speeds of almost 115kbps, it’s the technology downgrade we haven’t been waiting for. What’s next, Laser Disks? Hit Clips? Beta Max?
Ipsy + Glamnetic
Now you and woman’s best friend can get dolled up for a night out on the down or a walk to the park. Introducing the first line of pet-friendly magnetic lashes! Let your little four-legged friend bat their eyelashes at the next pooch that strikes their fancy. Available in a variety of colors from hot pink to darkest black.
Career Builder
Looking for a change in jobs amid the Great Resignation? Maybe try your hand at cat herding! Skills involve being skilled at avoiding being scratched and knowing when and, more importantly, where to give a stroke. It may be the purr-fect job for you! (*Rimshot*)
