Apple put on quite the show at the 2024 edition of its Worldwide Developers Conference, unveiling many new features with AI at the center of it all, which the company has branded “Apple Intelligence.” The fruit company that dabbles in tech also announced plenty of other “new” features. Here’s a brief rundown of what will soon be coming to an Apple product near you:

  • iOS 18 redesign of the photos app, upgraded satellite messaging
  • The ability to hide and lock apps
  • An incestuous integration of ChatGPT’s AI with its own
  • Placing icons wherever the heck you want
  • Password Manager & Authenticator
  • Upgraded iPadOS featuring the new ‘Math Notes’ within the calculator app
  • macOS Sequoia, which brings new continuity between iPhone and Mac
  • watchOS 11 with added personalization as well as upgrades to health and fitness insights
  • The Apple Vision Pro visionOS2 upgrade
  • tvOS18 is adding new features like InSight and updates to enhance dialogue and subtitles.

Now, that may seem like a lot, and we are just scratching the surface. If you want to get down to the nitty-gritty, watch the entire hour and 43-minute presentation. Just be warned; life is fleeting, and you’ll never get that time back.

And don’t get us wrong — all these new updates are great but here are a few things we wish Apple had announced at WWDC.

Mind Your Own Business Mode

Who else hates it when reading a text or viewing some questionable NSFW content and someone is having a peek over your shoulder? This feature would detect foreign eyeballs on your screen and emit a UV flash that will momentarily obstruct those prying eyes. It will only last a few seconds, but that’s plenty of time for them to get the message. Remember to disable the feature when showing granny pics you took on vacation.

Auto-Excuse Generator

Like watching anything on Bravo or TLC, getting invited to things is heartwarming and horrifying. This new feature would use Apple Intelligence in a way that would really benefit humanity. The system analyzes your messages from the people in your life and crafts excuses based on your lifestyle that are accurate enough to be believed but vague enough not to be questioned. Let’s say a former coworker invites you to their child’s first birthday. Just tell Siri, “Make up an excuse,” and she’ll get right to work. Your inviter will get a response that is tailored to you, such as: “I would love to, but I twisted my ankle while cosplaying Naruto Uzumaki.” That’s sure to get you an obligatory “Feel better,” and nothing more.

Snarky Siri Mode

Speaking of Siri, like any long-term relationship, things get stale. Nothing stirs up more emotion than sarcasm and condescension. For instance, you ask Siri for the weather, and you’ll get a response: “It will be 72 and sunny today, the perfect weather for jogging, but lord knows you don’t exercise.” It works for music, too. “Siri, play ‘boygenius,’ and you’ll get a backhanded response: “I see someone is still in a mood.”

Significant Other Mood Interpreter

This feature analyzes the pitch, pace and pauses in your significant other’s voice. It also offers helpful hints like, “Sounds like someone needs a compliment... or maybe just some space.” It’s like having Jaime Bronstein in your pocket! But this feature’s bread and butter is Argument Autocomplete. It’s like regular text autocompletes; the iPhone suggests your subsequent response so you can solve conflicts faster. “Partner feels unheard, proper response: ‘I do more talking than listening and that stops today!’”

Snack Suggestion

We end with something sweet. When enabled, Apple Intelligence analyzes the time of day, preference, budget and current emotional state and suggests the right snack for you at the given moment. Just got broken up with? Ice cream is just what the doctor ordered, but payday is a few days away, so it suggested the Great Value brand over the Häagen-Dazs. DoorDash and GrubHub integration will allow said snack to arrive on your doorstep in no time!

So there you have it. If anyone from Apple is reading this, take notes because this is what your consumers want. And bring back the original Space Grey to the iPhone while you’re at it.

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